i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
