Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
