Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
We had to coat check the pizza.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
