i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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