That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Randomize
