i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Randomize
