She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
