I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Randomize
