Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
