My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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