i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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