1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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