Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
