Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
This is my gift to your gina
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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