the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
