Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
At least life still wants to fuck me.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
