I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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