life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I want to make a zoo with you.
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
