You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Randomize
