well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
there is glitter all over my balls
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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