my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
We left the knife in your bed.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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