Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
