she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Randomize
