Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
Randomize
