It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I don't deserve a penis
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
