wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
