I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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