and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
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