I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
