I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Randomize
