I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just love slightly exposed cleavage. Not too much to be whory but just enough to say "your kids will never go hungry"
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
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