WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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