on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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