Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
