i just sent this text using only my big toe
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Randomize
