While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
