i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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