He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
