Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
