I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
