got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
Couch. On fire.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
