Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
You made out with two different species that night
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
Randomize
