I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Randomize
