I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
