youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
