I wish they made helmets for livers.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
His hands were made for my vagina.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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