I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
