If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
