he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
Randomize
