CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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