I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
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