Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Randomize
