He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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