So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
