remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Randomize
