thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Just watched two people have sex in the pool. Hope you enjoy your yeast infection courtesy of the comfort inn.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Randomize
